Grace’s Web Home

I have recently been struggling with a personal issue, one of which I only dread thinking about and raise the level of anxiety in my chest over considerably as I sit on my couch and contemplate what my life is all about. You see, I thought it was an issue between someone I know and myself, but I have since discovered that it is about me.  And for some reason, writing it down for someone to read is what I need to do.  If I don’t, I fear I will never resolve it. 

 I sit on my couch and think to myself : I am sad at the moment; but ten minutes ago, I was okay. Happy, feeling good, feeling as though my confidence could never be broken.  However, as I sit on the couch, I find myself staring at the coffee table, then my bible, then the phone, then my cross stitch project, then the sun streaming through the window.  And the anxiety starts…

With what? with a question I ask myself almost everyday:Do people really know who I am and do they care and respect me enough to love me in all my human dignity?Do they make the effort?and then, the bigger question: Do we do this for each other enough in the world?

Maybe because it’s dinner time and I am accustomed to and love sitting around the table with people at meal times…

However, there is something to this and another issue that has been bothering me the last while.  I try to do the best I can in everything, and of course, everyone expects everyone else to do their best, whether this happens or not.  However, even when I do my best and get great results, some people are still hostile toward me and reject the good result.  In fact, I often notice that when I put little effort in people are more apt to applaud me for it.

When I put in great effort with some of my friends or people I know and make plans with them, I often get stood up or rejected. 

you see, there’s too problems for me.  One:I don’t like playing games, if you want to do something with someone, then do it, if not, don’t.  Two: when people become involved in a friendship, we owe it to one another to be as Christlike and encouraging and supportive to the other person as possible.  Of course, Christ teaches us to do good works without expectation, and I agree. 

I do not expect rewards for doing good deeds or being a good friend or person, and I never have. It’s a great way to live life and it brings me joy everyday because it’s a simple lifestyle.

To my friends who do love me enough and show me, who keep committments, who do not get jealous of me, but encouarge me to grow, who help me grow, who show me respect, a HUGE Thank you.  For although I do not expect it, my soul is raised and my joy is great when you do these things for me in his name.  Please do not think I think little of you, for the reality is, in my human nature, I hold you in high esteem. For I do not expect things and have learned to put this at my core because my Lord commands me to be humble and greatful, not to place blame or my expectation on people.  That is his job.  My job is to live out my life in his name, to his expectation. 

If you cannot meet me for coffee when you say (with no valid reason ie, sickness), take the time and make the effort for me in some way, or any other excuse you make to yourself, please stop pretending to be my friend; you are only convincing yourself to settle for less and then, you act less. 

do not run after what you think is less, always strive for more.  The dread I feel stated above is how we often run after less, but we don’t strive to be the best we can; IN EVERYTHING. 

I myself am resolved to live a life where I will try to do the best I can in everything, treat people the best I can, live the best I can, all for him.

huh…whadda ya know..I feel better already…

Hello there o reader,

In the last five or so years, I have found that the cool, calm, collectedness of my youth was thrown out the door for a very scared and unsettled young woman. However, I decided last year the my motto for the year and continuing on was going to be “make me an instrument of thy peace.” Although I do not always succeed, I find that I am becoming more content and peaceful, confident and fun loving as I used to be.

I have also discovered that I needed to be more trusting of God. However, I also do well when I have role models. Thankfully I am blessed with wonderful female role models in my life that I can relate to; and the more I read my scripture, I find them written among the beautiful passages.

Which brings me to my topic of Judith. As I sat down to read my scripture tonight, I thought I might share my perspective on an small passage in the book of Judith.

The prayer of Judith is a very powerful one and actually was not the passage I was going to speak of, but a prelude if you will. Judith is praying about her enemies and how they rape and defile women, about their infliction of pain and suffering, and how all their works go against the Covenant. Here is the part that I find interesting….After crying out to the Lord, she bathes, puts on her best attire and leaves the gates of her guarded home, with her hand maidens, on a mission of God to confront the enemy. Judith is then captured by the enemy, as she had intended to see Holofernes, the commander.

So she is in the camp, surrounded by these same enemies, but the words she speaks, the way she carries herself, the determination and the confidence in her words are enough to spare her very life. And so the passage reads ” I am on my way to see Holofernes the commander of your army,to give him a true report: I will show him a way that by which he can go and capture all the hill country without losing one of his men, captured or slain.”(Judith 10:13). Now here she is offering this enemy a way to slain her own people ( later found out to be trickery of course ), but this is NOT what actually saves her life. The following scripture reads ,” When the men heard her words and observed her face-she was in their eyes, marvelously beautiful” (Judith 14). Now some might say it was because of the asthetics, but I also believe it was because they admired her words, her boldness, and that she did not appear to be afraid. In fact, later on in Judith 10:19,”they marveled in her beauty and admired the Israelites, judging them by her. They said to one another, who can despise these people, who have women like this among them?”

Myself, I can’t imagine walking up to an army camp of the enemy and demanding to speak to the commander, knowing myself that I would most likely be defiled. And yet, here this woman is, being so bold to walk into the camp to really bring down the enemy and the persuasion is seen in her face, her expression, her eyes, her boldness, her words. I find this passage so powerful.

Although I have not studied Judith enough to appreciate the fullness of her mission, I pray I be that bold as I walk out the door into a secular world, that I may change a small part of the world with the words I speak;with the expression of my face because in that expression is the authentic human and God like image that I alone am; that each of us was given by God to use on his mission. I often find that beauty is the expression, not the asthetic, which people see and allows God to enter into their hearts.

Today I thank God for giving me the example of Judith.

Grace